


When I Look Back I Was So Uncomfortable in My Own Skin

by faintingviolet



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Domestic Fluff, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Fluff, Getting Together, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), SO MUCH FLUFF, Slow Burn, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Trouble Sleeping, because we obviously need another version, waiting in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:07:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27852226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faintingviolet/pseuds/faintingviolet
Summary: It was while he was going about some rudimentary kitchen chores to help fill their seemingly never-ending time on this shift that he sensed Buck’s presence in the firehouse. Eddie knew Buck was there before he saw or heard him; knowing when Buck was in proximity had long been a superpower of his, a side effect of the many hours spent working in tandem. The deep and abiding love he felt for the other man just made it more precise.Eddie felt his alertness shift from his tasks in the kitchen, his musculature turning him seemingly without his initiative, his nervous system waiting impatiently for the source of brightness it had sensed to come into view. The air felt different in the loft as Buck ascended the stairs, as if his inherent light and warmth radiated out from him filling the dark corners of the station and the raw places on Eddie’s skin. Eddie took a moment to assess Buck before he could be noticed by the other man, cataloging Buck’s fidgety hands and restless feet, the weight of fatigue on his shoulders, Buck’s entire body shouted across the loft its exhaustion, its disquiet, and what Eddie could only categorize as longing.Just look at me, love, you’ll feel better, I’m right here.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 24
Kudos: 283





	When I Look Back I Was So Uncomfortable in My Own Skin

**Author's Note:**

> This work is up without a beta, so all mistakes/errors are mine and mine alone. This work is kind of unstuck in time, and is yet another version of my brain chewing on these two getting out of their own ways.

Bobby had decided within days of Eddie joining the 118 that his life was easier if Eddie and Buck were on shift together, that way he only had to worry about trouble in one place. In the years since Bobby’s choice to keep the pair together had been rewarded by one of the strongest partnerships out in the field that it had ever been his pleasure to lead. They weren’t on every shift together, but they were together most of the time, along with the core of the team. But time off requests on the other shifts had made Bobby reassign a few people and it required splitting the pair for two weeks. No one was happy about it; their team had been ever so slightly off rhythm with Buck and Chim on second and third shifts. It was almost over though. 

Bobby’s insight to nurture their partnership had changed Eddie’s life in ways large and small and Eddie wasn’t ashamed to admit that he looked forward to being back together with Buck on the next 24-hour shift. The past shifts had felt too long, he missed the warmth of his partner, the way being near him made Eddie better. As much as the firehouse had always felt like home it had been feeling empty, hollow – as if the light didn’t make it all the way to the corners without the brightness Buck brought to their lives.

Sighing to himself he felt as overdramatic as Buck was often accused of being, but the way Hen and Bobby were acting let him know that he wasn’t the only one missing their human sunshine. Even if he missed him differently than their friends and boss did, but that was his business.

It was while he was going about some rudimentary kitchen chores to help fill their seemingly never-ending time on this shift that he sensed Buck’s presence in the firehouse. Eddie knew Buck was there before he saw or heard him; knowing when Buck was in proximity had long been a superpower of his, a side effect of the many hours spent working in tandem. The deep and abiding love he felt for the other man just made it more precise.

Eddie felt his alertness shift from his tasks in the kitchen, his musculature turning him seemingly without his initiative, his nervous system waiting impatiently for the source of brightness it had sensed to come into view. The air felt different in the loft as Buck ascended the stairs, as if his inherent light and warmth radiated out from him filling the dark corners of the station and the raw places on Eddie’s skin. Eddie took a moment to assess Buck before he could be noticed by the other man, cataloging Buck’s fidgety hands and restless feet, the weight of fatigue on his shoulders, how his eyes didn’t quite stay on Stover while they talked at the top of the stairs. Something was not right; Buck’s entire body shouted across the loft its exhaustion, its disquiet, and what Eddie could only categorize as longing.

_Just look at me, love, you’ll feel better, I’m right here._

As if he heard Eddie’s silent request Buck’s eyes landed on Eddie, and Eddie watched as calm began to settle over his frame.

_That’s better, just breathe, and come here. Tell me why you’re at the firehouse instead of home, tell me what is bothering you, whatever it is._

Buck excused himself from his conversation with Stover and crossed the open space between himself and Eddie; sliding against Eddie’s side as he so often did, lining up points of contact up and down their bodies. “I was climbing the walls in my apartment, couldn’t sleep.” Buck says without prompting. “Wasn’t sure where to go or what to do, autopiloted here,” Buck says as if it’s a confession of a misdeed.

Eddie hears the desolation in Buck’s tone as he processes the actual words, can feel his face rearranging itself into the shapes he knows are most comforting, dropping his voice low “Something in particular? Nightmares back?”

_And if you are why didn’t you tell me sooner? I’ll take care of you. Whenever and whatever you need._

Buck shakes his head, emphatic in his reply. “No. Just can’t settle, can’t stay asleep.”

He’s still studying Buck, keeping his eyes soft and relaxed, letting his natural grin at seeing Buck show itself. He was hoping to reassure the other man if he could manage it, trying to gently put Buck back on an even keel by not betraying that there might be anything about what Buck had just said to be concerned about.

 _Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing to worry about my love, you are just having an off day but that’s okay. We all have them sometimes; you deal with mine constantly_.

“You know you can always go to my house, right? It’ll be new walls to climb at least. Doesn’t matter if I’m there or not, seriously, use your key whenever.”

_I want you in my home, I want you to think of it as yours, because as far as I’m concerned it is._

Buck’s voice trembles with a small “If you’re sure”, heavy with what he’s avoiding saying aloud and Eddie decides immediately that he is not sending Buck home alone to either of their houses, he’s keeping him close until their next call. He doesn’t like how fragile Buck sounds or the deep pools of fatigue in his eyes that he can’t help but notice now that he’s sharing Eddie’s personal space. He’d be surprised if Buck had managed more than an hour or two of sleep since he’d gotten off shift that morning. Eddie had spoken to him quickly during the handoff and everything seemed fine then, Buck had obviously been worn out, but he had seemed himself to Eddie’s quick appraisal. The Buck before him is somehow quieter, smaller, than he usually is, and it is unsettling to Eddie that he hadn’t noticed earlier.

Eddie scans the loft, spots Hen on one of the couches and places a hand on the small of Buck’s back and guides him quietly but directly there. Hen catches Buck’s eye first, nods to him gently in greeting and then immediately shoots Eddie a look that demands to know what’s wrong with their boy. While Hen and Buck are exchanging hellos and she’s gently ribbing him for returning to the station like a homing pigeon Eddie’s eyes answer Hen as succinctly as he can manage, _he needs to be with us, he can’t handle being alone right now but otherwise I don’t know and I’m concerned_ and the softening of Hen’s eyes indicates to him she’s understood. Eddie removes his hand from Buck’s back, missing the contact as soon as he does, dropping himself into the corner of the couch opposite Hen, positioning himself so that Buck will be able to settle against him, to just settle down full stop. 

Once there’s a break in his conversation with Hen, Eddie gently wraps his hand around Buck’s wrist putting quick pressure on either side, using their own personal Morse code to get Buck’s attention so he can coax him onto the couch. And Buck does as he is silently asked, collapses into Eddie’s side as Eddie hoped he would, seeking out contact knee to knee and arm to arm and all the spaces in between. There is a communication in these points of contact that Eddie has learned to trust over time, to stop questioning.

Eddie doesn’t wait for Buck to finish settling in before he starts his own conversation with Hen, doesn’t wait for Buck’s body to tell him what it needs, he already knows. Hen is the perfect coconspirator for his plan to keep Buck with them, to settle him down and it’s the fact that she keeps their conversation light and quiet, and non-stop, which proves that Hen intuits what Buck needs nearly as well as Eddie does.

 _He needs to be with his family, to soak up our comfort,_ her eyes say back to Eddie after a few minutes, _I understand, we can do this as long as he needs us to._

In tune with Buck’s body, feeling it calm and relax, his breathing lengthening and deepening, Eddie lets himself relax into the couch in a way that will let Buck relax further into him. Experience has taught Eddie that Buck will be able to lean comfortably there against Eddie’s side and with his temple against Eddie’s shoulder, using it as a pillow. He knows he’ll eventually fully fall asleep, he’ll sink into the warm embrace, and that’s his goal.

_Rest my love, know you are safe with me and rest. I will not let anything hurt you, including you._

They end up staying like that for over an hour, Buck sleeping deeply stretched out at Eddie’s side. Eddie feels the parts of himself that had been uneasy and spiky with Buck’s absence calming down and smoothing out with his presence so firmly rooted besides him, his breathing steady at Eddie’s shoulder.

Hen brings Eddie some tea once they’re both satisfied that Buck is deeply asleep, and they continue talking, comparing stories about their kids, Hen’s classes at medical school, and anything else they can think of - their normal chatter. They share the unspoken understanding that the soundtrack of their quiet conversation can only help keep Buck asleep, that he needs the noise not the quiet. Not that Eddie and Hen need an excuse to want to talk to each other.

When Bobby comes into the loft, finally done with whatever he had been doing in his office he doesn’t immediately notice anything off, completely unsurprised to see Buck asleep at Eddie’s side, it’s happened plenty of times before. Then he notices Buck’s civilian clothes and remembers that Buck’s not on this shift with them.

“What happened?” he asks Eddie and Hen, concern the primary emotion in his voice.

“We don’t really know, don’t think it’s anything specific, he came in ragged and obviously hadn’t slept. I figured it was better to keep him here and get him to rest instead of sending him back home to wander around the loft,” Eddie answers even though he had no intention of sending Buck to his loft alone, but not wanting to cross that line with the captain right now.

“Why not set him up in the bunks then?”

“C’mon, Cap. You know he didn’t come here to sleep, he came here to be with us, to be with Eddie. Sleep is the benefit of that.” Hen answers so matter-of-factly that she leaves no room for further questioning and Eddie is glad that Bobby doesn’t push it further, trusting Hen’s insight implicitly.

Bobby just nods, it’s not as though either man has been great at hiding their emotions for the other from the rest of them, and he knew enough not to doubt the bond at this point. It just was, as steady as sunrise and sunset.

“Eddie you’re done in a couple hours, right?” Bobby starts doing math in his head, _how early can he release Eddie without having to dock his pay or charge him time, did they have enough staff to cover calls without him for the rest of the afternoon_?

“Yeah, if it’s okay with you I’ll be man behind, I’d like to let him sleep if we can.” Eddie had taken the time on the couch to plan, to hope that the afternoon would be quiet, that they wouldn’t get called out, and what he could do to keep Buck at his side in the event that they did. Volunteering to sit out their next call seemed the best option.

“That’s fine, but if nothing changes in the next forty-five minutes you can head out early. Give you a bit of extra time to get him back home.”

“If you’re sure Cap?”

“Absolutely, you’re on an eight-hour shift, we were going to be without you eventually. We’ll be fine, right Hen?”

“You bet. Take our boy home, Eddie.”

That was exactly what he intended to do.

“C’mon, Buck,” Eddie’s murmuring into Buck’s ear, “We’re leaving.”

Buck makes a noise into Eddie’s shoulder that Eddie is convinced is just an aggrieved sigh, and it brings a fond smile to his face, _yes this is the man I love._

“Where we going?” Buck manages to finally say intelligibly as he turns his head to look at Eddie, to take the first small step of unpacking himself from Eddie’s side.

“We’re going home.”

At the happy sound Buck makes Eddie feels a deeply satisfying relief, smiling at Buck with as much love as he dares let escape while they’re still at the firehouse. Buck’s blush lets him know that at least part of his unspoken message has been received, Eddie just wished he could tell how much.

Eddie gently guides Buck up from the couch, trusting him to follow behind as he gathers his bag and leads Buck out to his truck, settling him into the passenger seat with a bit more care than he would normally feel comfortable doing. But Buck is staying close, seeking Eddie’s warmth in his still sleepy state and Eddie lets himself indulge in the comfort of nearness, even for just a few extra seconds, and how it continues to soothe both their frayed edges.

It’s a testament to how tired Buck is, and also how much he trusts Eddie, that he is back asleep within moments of the truck pulling out into traffic. Eddie is missing the warm weight of Buck at his side and is glad that their destination isn’t too far. Buck stirs as Eddie pulls the truck in Buck’s parking space in front of his building. “Let’s go, we’re here,” he says quietly while gently rubbing Buck’s arm, not wanting to startle him.

“This isn’t your house.” Eddie hears the frown, the anguish in Buck’s voice as he turns to look at him, knowing he wants to comfort him but also knowing that now isn’t the time for complex conversation as Buck is currently functioning on less than three hours of sleep. He is also acutely aware that Buck had interpreted _home_ as Eddie’s house.

“This was closer,” affection prominent in his voice as he’s quickly out of the truck and moving towards the apartment, knowing that Buck will follow behind him swiftly, like a heatseeking missile.

Eddie uses his key to let them in, leaving the door open behind him for Buck but not stopping. He drops his key on the table and does a quick visual sweep of the apartment, looking to see what wreckage Buck’s metaphorical climbing up the walls had done that morning. Eddie’s pleased to find that everything appears as normal. But understanding dawns quickly, it means that Buck’s turmoil had been entirely internalized and that has proven worse in the past.

Realizing that Buck is still lingering in the entryway Eddie is overcome once more with wanting him near and sets about drawing him close. “Chris is missing some Legos, he didn’t leave them here the last time we were over did he?” Eddie asks casually from the space between the table and the couch.

It’s enough to bring Buck fully into his own apartment without Eddie needing to say anything directly. Eddie sees Buck take in a deep breath and look around the apartment as if he doesn’t quite trust what he’s seeing, which makes Eddie glance around quickly again for something he may have missed. But the apartment feels normal, warm sun in through the windows, a calm stillness throughout the rooms.

_Why aren’t you comfortable in your own space? What happened here that I cannot see evidence of?_

“I don’t think so,” Buck answers quietly, sounding unsure of himself. “But I can double check.”

Eddie nods his thanks, “Whenever you get a chance. It okay if I borrow some sweats? I don’t have any in my bag.”

“Yeah, of course, you know where they are.”

Eddie is pleased with the excuse to go upstairs, to inspect the apartment a little more thoroughly, and moves easily to Buck’s bedroom. He’s also hoping the other man will follow. In the meantime, he makes his way to the drawer he knows Buck keeps his sweats in and changes out of his uniform.

“Hey, Eddie,” he hears Buck call, his drowsy voice coming closer as he climbs the stairs. “Why are you changing here?”

Eddie clocks Buck gazing at his stomach as he pulls down his shirt and barely keeps himself from ripping it back off, that isn’t the goal right now, the goal is getting Buck to rest. _We’ll worry about the other stuff later. But hopefully not too much later._

So instead he gives Buck the same small smile from earlier, the _I love you, you’re safe with me_ smile and shrugs. “Have to pick up Chris in a couple hours, got time to grab a quick nap.” He adds a silent _so come lay down with me, love._

Eddie lowers himself to the bed, pulling the nearest pillow to him, contentment at the comfort of being in Buck’s bed settling over his skin, letting the smell of Buck lingering on the sheets infuse comfort into his tired bones. He’s thankful that Buck doesn’t seem to question the answer, or Eddie claiming half his bed without asking. He shuffles over and eases himself down, lying on his side. Eddie closes his eyes, basking in Buck’s proximity, letting him decide how close or far he wants to be.

His patience lasts approximately a minute before his Buck senses alert him to the fact that Buck hasn’t actually relaxed, hasn’t fully let the tension out of his body, and he would bet money that Buck hasn’t closed his eyes and is instead staring at Eddie. Normally he’d be flattered, and he is, but that’s not what he’s focused on, he is determined to take care of Buck.

Eddie smiling fully now, though he keeps his eyes closed to gently intone, “Buck. Sleep. Now.”

At that he can hear the small laugh that escapes Buck, and feels the other man stop holding himself rigid and relax into the mattress, senses that he’s finally closed his eyes, but doesn’t check until after he feels Buck reach an arm out into the space between them, gently rubbing two fingers against Eddie’s hand where its holding the pillow, seeking reassurance. Eddie lets out a deep exhale, knowing that Buck is silently asking for more contact, and moves closer lining up gentle points of contact that say _It’s okay, I’m here, I love you, you’re safe_. It works, Buck is asleep again within a few minutes and Eddie is right behind him.

Eddie wakes himself up before he needs to worry about leaving, he knew he had plenty of time when he laid down but had set an emergency alarm he could now turn off. Buck is so soundly asleep that he leaves him as he is. At first, he watches Buck sleep, taking in his profile from this vantage point, watching to make sure the sleep remains peaceful. After a while he gets up, gently whispering in Buck’s ear that he’d be right back, that he’s just going downstairs for a few minutes, but Buck doesn’t move and Eddie’s sure he’s slept right through the reassurance.

Eddie quietly makes his way downstairs, poking around the kitchen, making some coffee to help finish waking up before they go get Christopher, and does a quick straightening up of the living area. Buck is not a messy person by nature, but it’s such as easy way to say _I love you, I care, you deserve a comfortable space_ that Eddie can’t resist doing what little there is to do. He doesn’t find any Legos, and he wasn’t expecting to, but he does find some other possessions of his and Christopher’s tucked around. He pulls them out of their hiding places and puts them out – mixing them in with Buck’s things, asserts their place in Buck’s life. Eddie decides to bring the books he keeps in his duffel bag upstairs, placing them on the bedside table, putting a bit of himself into Buck’s bedroom, fully enveloping Buck’s space with himself, laying unspoken claim. He checks Buck once more, indulging in running his fingers through Buck’s curls, and is relieved to find him still deeply asleep. Eddie heads back down to retrieve the coffee, hoping the aroma will help ease Buck into wakefulness.

But he’s in no rush. Instead he settles in the bed once more. Eddie places a hand between Buck’s shoulders to anchor him in place, to remind him he’s not alone, and for his own comfort. Eddie settles in to read until Buck wakes up, soaking in the domestic bliss, another way to recharge and rest.

 _It could always be like this_ he wishes for himself into the quiet, punctuated by Buck’s even breathing.

Eddie is alerted that Buck is waking up as he starts moving closer but knows for sure when a small voice from somewhere near his hip utters “I don’t recognize that book.” Eddie’s fingers reflexively curl against Buck’s back at the sound, he continues to rub small furrows into Buck’s back as he leans into the touch.

“It’s mine,” Eddie answers softly and keeps reading, enjoying the late afternoon light in the apartment, the warm quiet that surrounds them, and the presence of the man he loves beside him. He’s not going to give up this happy moment in the afternoon glow lightly.

After a couple minutes Buck shifts under Eddie’s palm, just enough to press his forehead against Eddie’s hip where he makes a dissatisfied noise into Eddie’s borrowed clothes. Eddie hears it but doesn’t let it worry him, Buck never wakes easily.

“How’d you sleep?”

Buck just grunts, shifting further into Eddie’s warmth, bringing himself as close as he can without actually crawling into Eddie’s lap. This does catch Eddie’s attention, while Buck had always been incredibly tactile and comfortable in Eddie’s personal space his still sleepy brain was subconsciously seeking something and Eddie wished he could put his finger on exactly what it is. _Tell me love, I’ll give you whatever you need._

“Want some coffee?” Eddie asks instead. “We’ve got a little while before we should get ready to pick up Christopher.”

“We do?” Buck says. Eddie hears the confusion and Eddie is beginning to understand that he’s woken up unsure, his edges have roughed up again. He’s also overtired, the handful of hours of sleep he’s managed this afternoon isn’t enough, and Buck isn’t too far removed from Christopher behavior-wise when he’s had too little sleep.

Eddie curls his fingers on Buck’s back again to offer comfort and reassurance while simultaneously aiming an adoring smile Buck’s way, to meet the nearly grumpy look on his love’s face.

“Yes,” he emphasizes, “When we get home you should go back to sleep.”

“Get home?”

Eddie watches Buck closely at the uncertainty and hesitance to hope that has taken up residence on Buck’s face. He gazes at him with all the love he has for him plainly evident, because if not now, when?

_My god Buck, I love you more than I know how to tell you._

“The house is closer to school than your place is,” Eddie awkwardly clarifies instead, drawing out the answer a little longer, waiting for Buck to put some of the pieces together on his own. Or not, he won’t push if today isn’t actually the day, he’ll keep waiting because Buck is worth waiting for.

Eddie pulls himself out of the bed to go get Buck his own cup of coffee, putting it into a travel mug so that he can bring it with him when they leave. When he gets back up the stairs Buck has gotten as far as rolling over onto his back, throwing the covers to the other side of the bed. He looks beautifully rumpled and Eddie indulges in a few extra seconds of basking in the sight.

Finally, he pushes ahead to what needs to happen next. “We’ve got about a half hour. I’m putting your coffee on the nightstand then I’m going to change, don’t really want to do the pickup routine in sweats. You need to make sure your work bag has everything you’ll need for tomorrow.”

Eddie doesn’t wait for Buck to process what he said, just grabs his own bag and heads to the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth, enacting the routines that tell his body rest time is over. He hears Buck start to shuffle around the other room and assumes everything is fine.

Fine isn’t quite the word he’d use to describe what he finds when he makes his way back into the bedroom. Buck has also changed, and his bag is sitting next to him on the floor. But Buck is sitting at the end of his bed, his face tense and his one knee rocking back and forth.

“Buck, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Okay. Your bag ready?”

“Yeah.”

“So then what’s the face about?” _Because it’s very obviously about something and if it’s me I want to fix it, nothing gets to make your face look like that without me trying to help make it better._

“What are we doing?” Eddie isn’t sure what emotion, exactly, he’s hearing. Buck sounds a little hopeless, and Eddie had expected he had chased that away.

He decides to be straightforward and just answer the question at its most basic level, rattling off the agenda for the evening he had crafted, “Getting Christopher, going home, you’re going back to sleep for another hour or two and then we’ll have dinner and hang out with Chris.”

“Why do I need my bag?”

“Because we have work tomorrow night. C’mon, Chris will be excited when we both show up at pickup.”

Buck nods, grabs his bag, and heads downstairs to put on his shoes so they can head out. Eddie follows, leaving more space than has been between them all afternoon. He wants to stay close, expecting his presence to be as wanted by Buck as Buck’s is by him, but also appreciating that something in Buck’s mind is unsettled again and not wanting to make that any worse if he can avoid it. They’ll have nearly 24 hours before they head in for their next shift and that’s plenty of time for Eddie to help Buck process whatever this is.

Once Christopher is settled into the back of the truck, he starts telling the pair about school, sharing the insights that punctuate the day of a nine-year-old. Eddie sees that Buck is giving all the energy currently in his body to focusing on Christopher, to making sure the boy knows that he is worthy of attention. Eddie has always marveled at how naturally Buck has all the skills that Eddie had to work so hard on when he came back from Afghanistan – Buck has instinctively known how to interact with Christopher from the first night they met. Eddie would be lying if he said that the moments like this one over the past two years hadn’t help to cement his feelings for the other man.

 _Thank you for loving my son so well_ , he thinks at the next traffic light, hoping that Buck will understand it through the look they share.

The drive passes quickly, and Eddie is thankful for it, as much as he knows Buck wants to give Christopher his full attention the effort is very obviously draining the other man’s limited energy resources. Once they get inside Eddie sends Christopher off to get changed and is surprised to find Buck heading for the couch.

“Buck, where are you going?”

“Couch?”

“No, you’re going to sleep.”

“Right.”

_Love, please, you need to actually rest._

“No, bed, let’s go.”

Eddie notices that Buck is wearing a face much too similar to the one that he had seen when he had come out of the bathroom back at the loft for his liking, it feels like sandpaper against his skin. Something about leaving Buck’s apartment and coming to Eddie’s house has thrown him off, and Eddie isn’t sure what it is. Buck has spent more evenings than he can count with them here, being at home with them usually lightens Buck’s demeanor but that isn’t what Eddie is seeing right now.

He tries not to let it bother him; he was so sure they were on the same page just over an hour ago, but it seems to be sliding through his fingers. As those same fingers twitch at his side he decides to make the best use of them he can right now and slowly but purposefully takes Buck’s hand in his, interlacing their fingers, and pulls the other man gently behind him down the hallway.

_Come with me, be at home here._

“Where are you going?”

Eddie smiles warmly at his son, “Buck is going back to sleep, he didn’t get enough yet today. I’m going to tuck him in, and I’ll meet you at the table for homework and snack in a couple minutes.”

“Okay, sleep good, Buck.”

“Thanks, Superman.”

It’s quiet between them as Eddie pulls Buck into the bedroom, aiming him towards the bed.

_Please love, be as comfortable here as I was at yours._

“Are you sure, Eddie?”

“Yes. Go on, get comfortable. I’ll come get you for dinner. Nothing you need to worry about until then.”

“Hey Eddie?”

“Yeah?”, he turns around from the doorway to see what it is that Buck wants.

“I know you need to get back to Chris, but can you stay with me for a few minutes? Help me get back to sleep? You did tell Chris you were going to tuck me in.” The request comes out in a soft, shy voice.

Hope and warmth bloom in Eddie’s chest, this is more of what he expected. _I need you too_.

“Of course.” _I love you._

Eddie climbs in next to Buck, not waiting this time to initiate contact, instead putting them back into the positions they had been in when last they fell asleep. He watches the small smile that takes over Buck’s lips, listens as his breathing deepens, and enjoys the moment of watching as sleep claims his love once again. He drops a kiss on Buck’s temple, a reassurance to himself more than to Buck, before making himself get up from the warmth of Buck in his bed to go be with his son, his favorite person in the world. No amount of love for Buck would change that and he knew Buck would be reassured by the certainty of that knowledge.

Christopher and Eddie have the kind of late afternoon and early evening that has formed the backbone of their weekday lives. Healthy snack, Eddie trying his best to help Christopher with his homework when he needs it and to let him work independently as much as he wants. Chris gets some time to play or read – anything not on a screen – while Eddie puts together dinner. Tonight’s routine also includes them checking on Buck’s sleeping form and Eddie fielding questions from Christopher about why Buck is so tired and if he’s sick.

“He worked overnight last night buddy, and then had a hard time falling asleep when he got home. So he’s been napping on and off most of the afternoon and I thought we could take care of him tonight to make sure he rests. Sound okay?”

“Of course, I love when my Bucky is here. Maybe we can do a puzzle later? That’s quiet.”

“Maybe, but I was thinking a movie, I don’t know how awake Buck is going to be after dinner.”

Once dinner is a few minutes from ready and Christopher has helped set the table Eddie goes into the bedroom to wake Buck. As much as part of him wants to let the other man sleep through he knows that if he doesn’t get him now Buck will wake up around 2 a.m. wide awake and no better off for tomorrow.

His breath catches at the sight of Buck curled up on his side, cocooned in Eddie’s blankets, when he opens the door. _I want this to be all the time_ he wishes again, the constant theme of his time with Buck today, and if he’s a little more honest with himself, most days.

He makes himself cross to the bed and sit down, indulging in running his hand along the ridge of his ear, soaking up some additional comfort for himself.

“Buck, hey, it’s time to get up. Dinner’s ready.”

Eddie waits a moment, judging if he’ll need to try again or if Buck has heard him.

“You cooked?”

“Mostly I heated things that Abuela left in my freezer so you can feel free to leave any judgey comments about my cooking unsaid.”

“Oh, I love Abuela’s cooking,” Buck opens his eyes fully and starts extricating himself from the blankets.

_I know, that’s why I pulled it all out for you._

It all goes as Eddie hoped it would. Dinner with his two favorite people, punctuated by stories from their latest shifts that are appropriate for an elementary schooler. Buck looked more himself, the hollowness from earlier slowly being filled with happiness. Christopher takes their responsibility of taking care of Buck seriously, giving him options for which movie to watch after dinner (which Eddie knows is going to make Christopher miss his bedtime but he’s willing to risk a cranky Chris in the morning for the chance to let his son feel helpful and needed), and setting Buck up on the couch with his favorite blanket instructing Buck to lay down.

Buck put up a bit of a fuss, arguing that there won’t be room for Eddie and Christopher if he does. Chris was ready for the pushback though, announcing as if it was the most normal thing in the world that Eddie would sit at the end of the couch with Buck’s legs in his lap and Christopher had set up cushions for himself on the floor so he could sit in front of Buck and talk to him while they watched. When Buck looks to Eddie to contradict Christopher he doesn’t, instead saying “well, you heard him.”

They take their desserts in with them, another bending of the rules, and set up exactly as Christopher instructed with the only small difference being that Eddie pulls the coffee table a little closer so he can put his own legs up. They pass the next 90 minutes just that way, Eddie gently holding onto Buck’s ankle as his legs stretched across him, Chris leaning his head back to stage whisper to Buck about the actions of their favorite characters, Buck reaching out and gently running his hand through Christopher’s hair when the boy sits back up to watch more closely.

 _I love our family_ Eddie thinks and is momentarily afraid he’s said it aloud as Buck’s head turns quickly and the other man stares into his eyes, but the moment passes and Eddie is nearly 100% certain that his mouth hadn’t opened.

He gets Christopher corralled to bed only about 15 minutes behind schedule which Eddie takes as the minor miracle it is. When he gets back to the living room Buck is quiet, more subdued than he was even a few minutes earlier, watching without really seeing whatever is on the television.

“Hey, you ready to go back to bed?”

“I’m pretty well set up right here, Eds.”

“Yeah, you’re not sleeping out here tonight.”

“Eddie I’ve slept on this couch dozens of times, I’m fine.”

“You’re not, come with me. You’re not nearly as rested as I hoped you would be. Let’s go.”

Eddie thinks Buck might keep pushing back and he’s not really sure what he’ll do if he does. Buck’s right, this whole sleeping in each other’s beds thing is not normally what they do. It’s happened from time to time, but usually there are some sort of extenuating circumstances. This time it’s that Eddie can’t bear to not sleep next to Buck tonight, that he wants to be able to have the other man within arm’s reach. Eddie still doesn’t know what really propelled Buck to drive to the firehouse earlier and Buck hasn’t offered the information which means that Eddie is loath to let the other man out of his sight for longer than he has to.

Eddie stands there then, with his arm slightly away from his body, hand outstretched to Buck. He watches Buck stare at that hand for a few seconds before taking a deep breath and standing up, taking his hand as he did earlier that evening when they first got back to the house.

“Okay Eddie.”

Eddie pointedly chases the feeling he’d had in Buck’s apartment earlier that day, waiting for the other man to wake up, that warm domestic feeling of being where he was supposed to be.

This time they’re both reading in bed. While Eddie had been expecting Buck to fall back to sleep again as easily as he had earlier, he wasn’t too surprised that he was holding it off a little longer, trying to settle in to a more usual routine. Eddie had his book from earlier and it looked like Buck was falling down some information rabbit hole on his phone.

After about an hour Buck put his phone down and rolled over onto his side, sleepiness finally winning out. Eddie sees him gather the blankets up closer, burrow himself once more into the pillows, and watches as just a little more tension leaks out of him. Relieved, Eddie marks his page and reaches to turn off the light on his nightstand.

“Eddie, what are we doing?”

Eddie’s hand freezes on the lamp before he’s able to turn it off. He wasn’t expecting the question to come back up again.

He turns back towards Buck and slides down onto his pillow before answering, “What do you mean?”

“Today, Eds. What has today been?”

 _Normal_ , is what comes to mind first, _what I always want_ is second, but he doesn’t trust himself to say either. He’s also not sure it’s the kind of answer that Buck is after.

“You’ve been off all day, Buck. You were exhausted when you came to the firehouse and didn’t tell me why, just that you were restless and couldn’t sleep.”

“I was.”

“So, I figured since you were able to sleep when I was around that it was best if were home together.” _And I missed you._

Eddie waits a beat to see what Buck thinks about that.

“But then we went to my apartment.”

“Right, home.”

“And then you brought me here.”

“Yes, home with Chris.”

He watches Buck’s sleep-muddled face for the fourth or fifth time that day, waiting to see the moment that it starts to sink in, that Eddie has called Buck’s apartment and his house both home. Eddie is silently hoping that the idea that home is where the other person is, and that they have a few of those places right now becomes apparent as Buck fights off the sleep that’s chasing after him.

_Home is whichever place happens to be the closest to us, home is where you are._

“My apartment felt too empty this morning. I felt too alone,” Buck says after a minute, letting his eyes close, “it’s always better where you are. I was afraid the feeling would come back when you left.”

Eddie lets Buck’s honesty wash over him, feels his lungs fill fully for the first time in a few hours. It was such a simple admission, but it carried significant weight.

 _My life is better with you in it. I love you._ Eddie thinks as he reaches to turn off the light and settle himself in for the night, stretching out to put his ankle over Buck’s so that their presences can soothe the other while they sleep.

Eddie awakes the next morning to warm sunlight starting to peek in through the blinds and the awareness of being stared at. Normally when he has this feeling its Christopher, but he’s sure this morning it’s the man he’s sharing his bed with.

They’ve moved towards each other in their sleep, and Eddie squeezes Buck’s forearm where its laying under his hand before opening his eyes to meet the intense gaze waiting for him.

“Morning, Buck.”

The other man initially doesn’t answer, instead he slides himself even closer. “I’ve been thinking.”

“About what?”

“Yesterday.”

Eddie studies Buck’s face as he formulates his own answer, he sees calmness and surety. Gone is all evidence of the exhaustion and disquiet that had accompanied Buck into the firehouse yesterday.

“What about it?”

_Be here with me now, I’ll wait if I have to, but we can be like this all the time. Let me love you openly._

Eddie only has to wait a moment to find out what it was that Buck had put together in the early morning light, hoping that Buck has heard his thoughts, that he’s finished piecing the puzzle of yesterday together, that he sees that they can live this version of their lives if they want

“You love me too,” Buck breathes out, his voice barely above a whisper, “you kept me with you all day because you love me.”

Eddie leans in to close the remaining distance between them and kisses him softly.

Buck instinctually chases Eddie’s lips as he pulls away. Eddie can’t contain the smile that takes over his face as Buck continues, “You _love_ me,” with more certainty, and no small amount of awe, in his voice the second time.

Eddie takes the opportunity to press another kiss to Buck’s slightly opened mouth, his heart hung up on the “too” in Buck’s first statement, the easy acknowledgement of the mutual emotions. Eddie commits the light playing across Buck’s features, the feel of his own bedding, the smell of his laundry detergent mixing with the scent that is distinctly Buck, and the dazed look on his love’s face to memory, he wants to remember this moment for a long time to come.

“Yes,” Eddie murmurs back. Calmness overtakes him, his patience has been rewarded. He’s so in love with Buck’s reckless ways and his emotionally driven actions and he understands him. It’s this simple, Eddie loves Buck, has loved before he even truly recognized it, loved him while he’s waited. He’d waited for himself to become comfortable enough to hope, waited while Buck made the journey on his own, with whatever time and space he needed to figure things out in his own way, in his own time.

He's been his home, while Buck’s been his. As they will continue to be.

“Can we really do this Eddie?”

“Yes. Let’s.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always welcome!


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